Monday, January 19, 2009
My Head Hurts
I feel like I'm having some sort of epiphany, or realization right now about what I'm doing with my life, and what I should be doing with my life. I don't know what it means or what I should do just yet, but suffice to say it would involve some major changes for the present. And my head is really starting to hurt from all this heavy thinking.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Konstantine
If there is anybody awake right now, I strongly recommend listening to "Konstantine" by Something Corporate. If it doesn't move you somehow, I recommend checking your pulse.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Thoughts on a Train
I’m sitting on a train headed home after a weekend in Chicago. The brown and orange upholstery of the seats reminds me of the carpet in my grandparents’ game room that they replaced when I was five. And as we near the end of the line, the number of people in my car is slowly diminishing as they get off the train and get into their cars and drive home, or to their friend’s house, or to grab a drink, or even to buy a quad from their friendly drug dealer.
Right now, I’m finding all of this quite striking. On a grand scale, it’s obvious that there are always people moving, coming and going from place to place, and doing things so exciting and so boring that I couldn’t even imagine. But when I usually consider something like this, I tend to think of it in that way: That there are just billions of faceless, nameless people out there doing all sorts of things that I don’t understand or know anything about. But these people sharing the train with me, although they may be strangers, aren’t faceless. I see them, and they see me. Both parties are quite aware of the other’s existence, but other than a quick shared glance, that is all there will ever be. They will have forgotten my face no more than ten minutes after they get off the train, just as I will have forgotten theirs. I’ll never have any idea where they’re going after that, or why they’re going there. This obviously isn’t a big surprise, and is even less surprising when I realize that I hardly know where I’m going, and probably won’t really know why until I’m already there. Of course this is the part where we switch from a literal conversation to a more theoretical one, which is bound to happen if you read what I write with any sort of frequency. But the truth is that I’m really not sure where my life is heading right now, and just as unsure of where I want it to. Of course there are the ideal situations, like striking it rich overnight, or marrying the love of your life. But none of those are looking too good for me right now to be honest. I do feel like I’m at or approaching some important sort of juncture in my life, and am considerably afraid of fucking it up. And as I look up at the Emergency Exit, I find myself wishing that there was one of those for life. That when things got too complicated or too bad, you could just pull a handle and be outta there. It’s not that I don’t want to face my problems, it’s just that right now I have multiple things going on that I don’t know how to deal with, and while one is far more important than anything to me, the others still deserve due thought and consideration.
If you’re looking for resolution in all this jumbled nonsense, the unfortunate truth is that so am I, so I’m afraid I can’t help you out much. I hope that it will come with time. That hope is incredibly important to me, because sometimes its damn near all I’ve got. One thing that I do realize is that like this train, I can’t slow things down or stop them. So instead, I’ll do my best to deal with them in a more constructive manner than I have been, and do what I can to make them at least a little better.
Right now, I’m finding all of this quite striking. On a grand scale, it’s obvious that there are always people moving, coming and going from place to place, and doing things so exciting and so boring that I couldn’t even imagine. But when I usually consider something like this, I tend to think of it in that way: That there are just billions of faceless, nameless people out there doing all sorts of things that I don’t understand or know anything about. But these people sharing the train with me, although they may be strangers, aren’t faceless. I see them, and they see me. Both parties are quite aware of the other’s existence, but other than a quick shared glance, that is all there will ever be. They will have forgotten my face no more than ten minutes after they get off the train, just as I will have forgotten theirs. I’ll never have any idea where they’re going after that, or why they’re going there. This obviously isn’t a big surprise, and is even less surprising when I realize that I hardly know where I’m going, and probably won’t really know why until I’m already there. Of course this is the part where we switch from a literal conversation to a more theoretical one, which is bound to happen if you read what I write with any sort of frequency. But the truth is that I’m really not sure where my life is heading right now, and just as unsure of where I want it to. Of course there are the ideal situations, like striking it rich overnight, or marrying the love of your life. But none of those are looking too good for me right now to be honest. I do feel like I’m at or approaching some important sort of juncture in my life, and am considerably afraid of fucking it up. And as I look up at the Emergency Exit, I find myself wishing that there was one of those for life. That when things got too complicated or too bad, you could just pull a handle and be outta there. It’s not that I don’t want to face my problems, it’s just that right now I have multiple things going on that I don’t know how to deal with, and while one is far more important than anything to me, the others still deserve due thought and consideration.
If you’re looking for resolution in all this jumbled nonsense, the unfortunate truth is that so am I, so I’m afraid I can’t help you out much. I hope that it will come with time. That hope is incredibly important to me, because sometimes its damn near all I’ve got. One thing that I do realize is that like this train, I can’t slow things down or stop them. So instead, I’ll do my best to deal with them in a more constructive manner than I have been, and do what I can to make them at least a little better.
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