A Stroll Down Memory Lane

I've spent a lot of time tonight reading my old Xanga which, as you may or may not know, is automatic cause for feelings of strong reflection and sentimentality. Of course some of my posts were just full of whiney crap, I was in high school. But overall, it amazes me how much has stayed the same...especially given how much has changed.

Every once in a while, I find myself wondering if the person that I was back in high school would be happy with the person I am now. The truth is, I don't know...

The most obvious problem here is my use of drugs and alcohol, which old Zach wasn't really a supporter of. I don't really have a defense for this. I suppose I can chalk some of it up to the fact that I was a product of DARE, and I also think it's important to add that it wasn't as though I thought that I'd never drink. I probably didn't think that I would ever smoke, but I'm not sure. Regardless, the point is that even if I realized that these things would have a role in my life, I certainly had no idea how large a role it would be up to this point. I've done a lot of stupid stuff, and I'm not proud of it by any means. But I try to take responsibility for my mistakes, and hopefully learn from them. I've been working hard to control my drinking, and my actions when I'm drinking. I haven't been perfect, but I have to say that I think I've done pretty well overall, especially since we got back from break, which I'm actually pretty proud of.

What bothers me more though, is that I'd hoped in high school to be far more accomplished by this point than I actually am. I thought I would have straight A's, maybe even with some of my essays and creative writing published. Perhaps the saddest part of this is that I probably could have had all of that. I don't know where it fell by the wayside, but I'm trying to get it back, and it is an incredibly difficult struggle.

Fortunately, some things haven't changed in the years since my Xanga. Reading back, I realize how integral my friends have always been to my life. One of the most important things in the world to me is being a good friend, and I know I slip up or just straight up fail sometimes, but I really do try. I don't think a lot of people who I barely even know realize how much I would do for them if they just asked. I like to help people, I like to make them happy, and hopefully even smile if I can. This is one of my personality traits that I'm most proud of, and one that I feel comfortable saying isn't going anywhere.

Another thing that hasn't changed, perhaps the thing that makes Zach Zach (if any such thing exists), is that sometimes I still find myself completely awe-struck by the beauty and the love and the irony in life. That sometimes what appears perfect can be flawed, and what appears flawed just might be perfect. I believe in a hope for myself, and for you, and for everybody. I believe that I can be happy, and that things can be alright. And most importantly, I believe that if I believe these things long and hard enough, they just might come true.

I know this post may be a bit back and forth and jumbled, and if you've read this far, I'd say you're doing pretty well. The truth is that I've been thinking a lot lately (even more than normal), about the future, what I want, who I am and who/what I want to be, where I'm going, and so on. And if we're being honest, I'm feeling pretty lost in all of it. So I think I should end by quoting a Xanga entry I posted on Sunday, November 28, 2004 at 2:25 AM:

"i've been feeling a bit pensive tonight, and kinda thinking a lot. instead of telling you everything i was thinking about, ill just leave you with a question. and a follow up. are you happy? i mean really happy. and if not, what are you going to do about it?"

I wrote that four and a half years ago. Looks like I've got some work to do.

There are just days, or nights, or combinations of the two, that I feel like everything I say or do is wrong somehow. I forget things, I say the wrong things, I don't do the things that I'm supposed to do. I can assure you that it's not for lack of trying, which makes it even more frustrating when I find myself feeling like this. Once I start going down the path of screwdom, it seems that there is very little I can do to turn it around.
I know a lot of this can be attributed to what I call my "absentmindedness", which is probably a nice way of putting it. It just seems like there's always so much rushing around in my brain that it's hard to slow it down enough to take care of the little stuff. Yes, I am notorious for forgetting and losing things. And sometimes, if we're being honest, I just don't know what's going on. Sometimes this can lead to situations that are sorta funny (preferable), or situations that actually just really suck. Regardless though, I always feel embarrassed when things like this happen to me, even if I don't appear to be so. This is mainly because I feel like when other people bear witness to all my mishaps, it appears that I can't take care of my own life. Like I need someone to tell me what to do all the time and hold my hand. And I really just don't like appearing helpless, or just plain stupid for that matter.
My brain's always been pretty cluttered, but not as badly as it is now. I hope that it will return to its former state of glory one day, but in the meantime all I can do is try and hope to do better.