Seriously?

My life is honestly just getting a little ridiculous.

Musica

When I was younger, like early high schoolish, I used to love scouring the internet and talking to people to find new music to listen to. In the years past, I've still always been pretty into music and everything, but not quite with the same intensity. I'm happy to say that the intensity has sorta returned, at least I've been listening to and actively seeking a lot more new music than normal. I go to music blogs and talk to my friends who are treasure troves of information about music, and I'm loving it. I don't know why, because I'm not really musically inclined at all, but music has always just been a pretty big part of my life. I love that there is a song for any emotion you may be feeling, or any that you want to feel, and I love finding new songs and artists and new feelings in them.

I was going to put some videos or links up here, but Blogger is sort of giving me fits right now, so I'll get to that later. Good night.

Oops

Wow, it was only a few short days ago that I said I'd post on here everyday - and I've already failed. With an apology to my faithful readers, I'll concede that perhaps it wasn't the best idea to make such a commitment directly before the weekend.

As to why I haven't been writing on here really at all the past few months, I'm not really certain. I feel unsure about pretty much everything right now, and not necessarily in a bad way (although a little resolution soon would be nice). It's just that everything seems to be up in the air right now. After 22 years of life I feel like I should have a better idea of what I want to do with the rest of them, but in reality I don't. I've always felt like I was bound for some kind of greatness. Maybe not to be super rich or famous. But to do something really awesome, something that would help people, or make the world a slightly better place, or be noteworthy in some other way. I fear that I'm just holding out for that opportunity to walk up to me and introduce itself when in reality, that's not how it really works. I need to be a bit more proactive about my life and my future, and hopefully the greatness will come.

Night

Although it's late and I'm rather tired, I feel obligated to make good on my promise to write here every day. But in the interest of my getting at least a little sleep tonight, it will be a short one.

I suppose the thing, and the reason that I'm still up, is that I don't really want to go to sleep. I'm not scared, and I don't really have anything else to work on tonight. Its just that I'm not tired. I go through most days absolutely exhausted and start really wake up around midnight. How's that for a messed up sleeping schedule?

I'm not sure why this is, but however inconveniently it may fit into the schedule of the real world I have to admit that I kind of like it. I've just always felt like I belonged so much more to the night than to the day. I feel more comfortable at night, more at home. Perhaps the hustle and bustle of the day becomes overwhelming to me sometimes...I know it does in fact. At night I can go most anywhere I please without facing throngs of people in every direction, and I can actually slow my mind down enough to think. There's something very beautiful and peaceful about it.

I'm going to...

Start writing on here every day. Seriously.

A Little Reality

When I started this blog I promised myself that I wouldn't let it get negative. In other words, that I wouldn't let it become a place for me to whine and complain and be overly dramatic about everything. So I write some on here about how great and beautiful life is and all that kinda stuff. And I mean every word of it. But there are still times (like tonight) that I just get to feeling really scared about the future and what's going to happen with everything, and very alone.

I know I'm not the only person that ever feels like this, and I don't mean this to be a negative post. But it's the way I'm feeling right now, and maybe a little realism here and there isn't a bad thing.

However you want to look at it I guess the good news is that without down, there would be no up.

"I'll Believe in Anything"

There are some songs that I tend to listen to on repeat when I'm alone, just because I like them so much and I'm afraid if someone else didn't like them it would just sorta ruin the listening mood for me. Usually there's one aspect of the song that I really like, some set of lyrics or cool breakdown. Of all these, "I'll Believe in Anything" by Wolf Parade is quite possibly my favorite. I would encourage you to check out the video. I really love these lyrics:


"And I could take another hit for you
And I could take away the trips from you
And I could take away the salt from your eyes
Take away skin and salt in you
And I could give you my apologies
By handing over my neologies
And I could take away your shaky knees
And I could give you all the olive trees
And look at the trees
Look at my face
Look at a place far away from here"

Dunzo

One year at IU. Check.

It's been interesting. There will be a lot of time for reflection later. But right now, it's a beautiful day and I'm happy.

Second wind...hopefully

I've gotta say, as pissed as I am that I've been working on my paper since 3 yesterday afternoon with only a break for a couple hours...I just can't help to love all-nighters in some sick way. I've been pulling them for so long that they make me feel sorta nostalgic. And any chance to see the sun rise (or at least the sky brighten in today's case) can't be that bad.

Doing stuff

Sometimes I get really worried that as much as I talk about wanting to do a bunch of cool stuff, when it comes down to it I just sit around and do nothing instead. Wellll let me tell ya, not this weekend. Friday I saw Adventureland, played frisbee, and played four square. Saturday I rocked out on Kirkwood by day and got a little partying done by night. And to top it all off, it was all with some of my closest friends. I guess none of that seems really unbelievably exciting typing it all here, but I really enjoyed it and had a great weekend. Perhaps this is just to say (I think that's the first time I've actually said that on this blog) that we don't always have to do something huge and crazy to be happy (although I'm by no means saying we never do), and I think I could benefit from looking at and focusing on some of the smaller things in life sometimes than the colossal ones. Because the truth is that when the small parts of your day are good, it's a lot easier for your entire day to be good, and vise versa. And sometimes you just have to walk outside and feel the sunlight and believe that everything is going to be alright, and know that life really is full of beauty, even if it does get hidden behind the clouds sometimes.

Dig List

I've noticed that this blog seems to have taken a pretty serious tone since its inception. So I thought I'd lighten things up a little and talk about some things that I'm digging lately. I'm hoping that this will become a trend, so let's just call this my first official Dig List:

1. Role Models - Just watched this movie a few days ago, and it had me laughing pretty hard through most of it. Any movie that can do this is a winner in my book
2. California - The state is currently in the midst of a big push to legalize marijuana as part of the solution to its financial crisis. Legislation has been introduced, and the bill that would legalize weed is currently in the petition phase. If enough signatures are acquired, California residents could be voting on the bill in the not too distant future. Reports vary, but everybody seems to agree that a lot of money (billions) could be made by selling and taxing weed. Consider how many more billions state and federal agencies could save if they didn't have to worry about enforcing marijuana laws, and prosecuting and jailing those who break them. Now consider how many more billions could be generated through a new kind of marijuana-tourism (head shops, marijuana cafes, etc.) in California. Listen, I don't care if you smoke or not, but I feel like this is a pretty tough argument to beat. Money is a huge issue right now, and I read recently that 6 out of 10 people on the West coast favor some sort of legalization. I think that if something like this is passed in California, it will create a great deal of momentum for other states to slowly begin falling in line, and hopefully encourage the federal government to do so eventually. I'm not trying to start a debate here, but I honestly believe that proper, more realistic and honest education about marijuana coupled with fair taxation could be extremely beneficial - both to our country in a financial sense, as well as to current and future smokers. If you're interested in learning more, I suggest you start here: http://www.norml.org/index.cfm?Group_ID=7814
   
3. President Obama - He just signed a bill lifting the ban of federal funding on stem cell research. With federal money finally going into this extremely important field of study, I think we can expect to start seeing some great and exciting things happening in the medical field in the next few years.
   
4. Muziic - I just found this program tonight, and I'm already loving it. The program opens on your desktop, and connects directly to youtube's server. This allows you to search for and play any song or video on youtube without ever even opening the actual website. Basically, this is like having every song or video you ever wanted on your itunes, and it's pretty awesome. I recommend you check it out, becuase I think it's definitely going to catch on. http://www.muziic.com/
   

Changin'

There is a lot I could say to preface this, but let's just get to the point: I'm tired of feeling like I'm not in control of my life. Yes, there are some things that I can't control that cause me some pain and worry. But that's just it...I can't control them. All I can do is hope that they'll work out, and try to make some changes that might make it easier for that to happen. But in the meantime, I refuse to just sit back and wait and bother myself with things that other people may not care about at all. So I'm taking control starting now. I'm going to start doing all my homework, going to all my classes, and doing my best to do the right thing for myself, and my friends when they work into the equation. No more putting things off endlessly when I could just as easily complete them in five minutes and be done, because those things just end up piling up and causing me unnecessary stress.

I've messed up enough already to be honest...academically, legally, personally. And I don't want to anymore. So it's time to start doing things the right way, and hope that some of the things I have messed up can be salvaged.

I'm not gonna lie, it's gonna be tough to exact this sort of change when nothing else is really changing. Which I guess just means that what needs to change is me, and my attitude.

I'm getting my shit together and turning it around. I'm ready to feel like my life is on track again.

Summer Dreamin'

I went to a bonfire tonight, and I gotta say, it pretty much just got me real jacked up for camp. I love camp for a lot of reasons, which I will probably write about sometime later here. But right now I'm just feeling pretty excited for it, and summer in general.

I'm loving this weather too. It's amazing how much a few nice days can do.

Action

I reread my post from last night, and it sorta bothered me a bit. I think this is mostly because it seemed a little whiny to me, and wasn't really very constructive. Yes, I am feeling pretty uncertain about a lot of things in my life right now. I don't know what I want exactly, or what the future holds. And I'm not gonna lie, it can all add up to be pretty daunting sometimes. But I don't want to become too passive in life. Even if everything seems up in the air, there are some things that I can tug on a little to try to bring them down, or at least try to make sense of them.

I need to start taking action more in my own life. I need to stop avoiding some things and issues, and I need to stop procrastinating on others.

I do not want to let my life pass me by while I wait to have it figured out. I want to constantly be exploring and discovering new things, people, ideas, and places.

Basically, I don't want to be one of those people who just sits back and lets life happen to them. I want to happen to life.

Hmmm

I actually had several ideas for what to write about tonight. But nothing really seemed to sound right to me. This doesn't either if we're being honest, so I'm not really sure why I'm posting it. I just feel like I have too much swirling around in my head right now to slow it down enough to focus on one thing. Even if I could, I don't really know that I feel certain enough about anything to write about it right now. I honestly just don't know what I want, or what I want to do with my life. The future freaks me out more every day. It would take less than the fingers on one hand to count the things that I feel sure of, and I don't even know how to handle or approach some of those. I feel like a lot is up in the air at this point, and I don't know when it will come down, or how it will land.

This has mostly just been me venting, so if you read it all, thanks. I just feel frustrated with all this uncertainty right now. Not that uncertainty is a bad thing - if everything in life were certain, it wouldn't be too exciting at all. I think I could just use a little less of it.

A Stroll Down Memory Lane

I've spent a lot of time tonight reading my old Xanga which, as you may or may not know, is automatic cause for feelings of strong reflection and sentimentality. Of course some of my posts were just full of whiney crap, I was in high school. But overall, it amazes me how much has stayed the same...especially given how much has changed.

Every once in a while, I find myself wondering if the person that I was back in high school would be happy with the person I am now. The truth is, I don't know...

The most obvious problem here is my use of drugs and alcohol, which old Zach wasn't really a supporter of. I don't really have a defense for this. I suppose I can chalk some of it up to the fact that I was a product of DARE, and I also think it's important to add that it wasn't as though I thought that I'd never drink. I probably didn't think that I would ever smoke, but I'm not sure. Regardless, the point is that even if I realized that these things would have a role in my life, I certainly had no idea how large a role it would be up to this point. I've done a lot of stupid stuff, and I'm not proud of it by any means. But I try to take responsibility for my mistakes, and hopefully learn from them. I've been working hard to control my drinking, and my actions when I'm drinking. I haven't been perfect, but I have to say that I think I've done pretty well overall, especially since we got back from break, which I'm actually pretty proud of.

What bothers me more though, is that I'd hoped in high school to be far more accomplished by this point than I actually am. I thought I would have straight A's, maybe even with some of my essays and creative writing published. Perhaps the saddest part of this is that I probably could have had all of that. I don't know where it fell by the wayside, but I'm trying to get it back, and it is an incredibly difficult struggle.

Fortunately, some things haven't changed in the years since my Xanga. Reading back, I realize how integral my friends have always been to my life. One of the most important things in the world to me is being a good friend, and I know I slip up or just straight up fail sometimes, but I really do try. I don't think a lot of people who I barely even know realize how much I would do for them if they just asked. I like to help people, I like to make them happy, and hopefully even smile if I can. This is one of my personality traits that I'm most proud of, and one that I feel comfortable saying isn't going anywhere.

Another thing that hasn't changed, perhaps the thing that makes Zach Zach (if any such thing exists), is that sometimes I still find myself completely awe-struck by the beauty and the love and the irony in life. That sometimes what appears perfect can be flawed, and what appears flawed just might be perfect. I believe in a hope for myself, and for you, and for everybody. I believe that I can be happy, and that things can be alright. And most importantly, I believe that if I believe these things long and hard enough, they just might come true.

I know this post may be a bit back and forth and jumbled, and if you've read this far, I'd say you're doing pretty well. The truth is that I've been thinking a lot lately (even more than normal), about the future, what I want, who I am and who/what I want to be, where I'm going, and so on. And if we're being honest, I'm feeling pretty lost in all of it. So I think I should end by quoting a Xanga entry I posted on Sunday, November 28, 2004 at 2:25 AM:

"i've been feeling a bit pensive tonight, and kinda thinking a lot. instead of telling you everything i was thinking about, ill just leave you with a question. and a follow up. are you happy? i mean really happy. and if not, what are you going to do about it?"

I wrote that four and a half years ago. Looks like I've got some work to do.

There are just days, or nights, or combinations of the two, that I feel like everything I say or do is wrong somehow. I forget things, I say the wrong things, I don't do the things that I'm supposed to do. I can assure you that it's not for lack of trying, which makes it even more frustrating when I find myself feeling like this. Once I start going down the path of screwdom, it seems that there is very little I can do to turn it around.
I know a lot of this can be attributed to what I call my "absentmindedness", which is probably a nice way of putting it. It just seems like there's always so much rushing around in my brain that it's hard to slow it down enough to take care of the little stuff. Yes, I am notorious for forgetting and losing things. And sometimes, if we're being honest, I just don't know what's going on. Sometimes this can lead to situations that are sorta funny (preferable), or situations that actually just really suck. Regardless though, I always feel embarrassed when things like this happen to me, even if I don't appear to be so. This is mainly because I feel like when other people bear witness to all my mishaps, it appears that I can't take care of my own life. Like I need someone to tell me what to do all the time and hold my hand. And I really just don't like appearing helpless, or just plain stupid for that matter.
My brain's always been pretty cluttered, but not as badly as it is now. I hope that it will return to its former state of glory one day, but in the meantime all I can do is try and hope to do better.

My Head Hurts

I feel like I'm having some sort of epiphany, or realization right now about what I'm doing with my life, and what I should be doing with my life.  I don't know what it means or what I should do just yet, but suffice to say it would involve some major changes for the present.  And my head is really starting to hurt from all this heavy thinking.  

Konstantine

If there is anybody awake right now, I strongly recommend listening to "Konstantine" by Something Corporate. If it doesn't move you somehow, I recommend checking your pulse.

Thoughts on a Train

I’m sitting on a train headed home after a weekend in Chicago. The brown and orange upholstery of the seats reminds me of the carpet in my grandparents’ game room that they replaced when I was five. And as we near the end of the line, the number of people in my car is slowly diminishing as they get off the train and get into their cars and drive home, or to their friend’s house, or to grab a drink, or even to buy a quad from their friendly drug dealer.

Right now, I’m finding all of this quite striking. On a grand scale, it’s obvious that there are always people moving, coming and going from place to place, and doing things so exciting and so boring that I couldn’t even imagine. But when I usually consider something like this, I tend to think of it in that way: That there are just billions of faceless, nameless people out there doing all sorts of things that I don’t understand or know anything about. But these people sharing the train with me, although they may be strangers, aren’t faceless. I see them, and they see me. Both parties are quite aware of the other’s existence, but other than a quick shared glance, that is all there will ever be. They will have forgotten my face no more than ten minutes after they get off the train, just as I will have forgotten theirs. I’ll never have any idea where they’re going after that, or why they’re going there. This obviously isn’t a big surprise, and is even less surprising when I realize that I hardly know where I’m going, and probably won’t really know why until I’m already there. Of course this is the part where we switch from a literal conversation to a more theoretical one, which is bound to happen if you read what I write with any sort of frequency. But the truth is that I’m really not sure where my life is heading right now, and just as unsure of where I want it to. Of course there are the ideal situations, like striking it rich overnight, or marrying the love of your life. But none of those are looking too good for me right now to be honest. I do feel like I’m at or approaching some important sort of juncture in my life, and am considerably afraid of fucking it up. And as I look up at the Emergency Exit, I find myself wishing that there was one of those for life. That when things got too complicated or too bad, you could just pull a handle and be outta there. It’s not that I don’t want to face my problems, it’s just that right now I have multiple things going on that I don’t know how to deal with, and while one is far more important than anything to me, the others still deserve due thought and consideration.

If you’re looking for resolution in all this jumbled nonsense, the unfortunate truth is that so am I, so I’m afraid I can’t help you out much. I hope that it will come with time. That hope is incredibly important to me, because sometimes its damn near all I’ve got. One thing that I do realize is that like this train, I can’t slow things down or stop them. So instead, I’ll do my best to deal with them in a more constructive manner than I have been, and do what I can to make them at least a little better.